Year one was full of devastation, depression and distain for a life that expected me to continue without Drew. There were more times than I can count in year one where I questioned why I was still here, whether I should still be here and what the hell did I do to deserve this. I have lost track of the number of times I’ve laid on the floor, trying to ground myself and find comfort. The countless timers set on my phone that dictated the amount of time I let myself sit so heavy in an emotion that if I didn’t have a timer beeping, I may not have been able to bring myself back. The constant feeling of my heart burning, painful and empty, anytime I had to make a decision.
I won’t forget any of these feelings. But I also now find a little bit on comfort from these feelings. Knowing that this pain meant what Drew and I had was so special and important that my heart literally felt like it was shattering over and over again. I can now say as I enter year three. This earth shattering pain, provides a little comfort.
This may not make sense, but the pain I feel, makes everything right now worth living for. This robust feeling of a broken heart, is providing me comfort going into year three. This feeling of pain reminds me that there are things in life worth living for, and worth enduring.
As I move into year three, my pain, distain, depression, and devastation for a life lost will continue, but the feeling has shifted, and presents as a feeling of strength and determination, stay tuned. 💕